


Songs I can't listen to

by Wonkyun



Series: Songs I can't listen to [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Fainting, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Pre-Slash, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Abuse, Sterek endgame, Stiles Has Issues, Stiles Needs a Hug, Stiles Stilinski Has Low Self-Esteem, Stiles-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, The Hale Pack - Freeform, Victim Blaming, Victim Blaming by the victim, sterek will be in later installments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 20:02:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13508769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: Stiles let the man ruin him , let him destroy his mind, and his soul, and his will, and now it's all falling apart in front of his eyes, and stiles can only blame himself. All he's left with is pain and songs he can't listen to.





	Songs I can't listen to

**Author's Note:**

> Warning:  
> Implied/referenced rape/noncon  
> Implied/referenced underage sex   
> Implied/referenced sexual abuse  
> Suicidal thoughts and ideation 
> 
> Title inspired by:  
> Songs I can't listen to - Neon Trees

When Stiles first started high school in beacon hills he never thought he would fit in, never mind be remotely liked or popular and have such a good group of friends. Thinking back Stiles regrets ever deciding to be friends with Scott and his current group of friends, his pack. He knows deep down that he doesn't deserve them , too ugly and used and awkward, he knows these thoughts are bad to have but what can he do when they're true . 

He knows what everybody is thinking , can feel it right now as Scott keeps glancing at him from the corner of eye across the classroom. They all know he doesn't deserve them, he wonders how they'd feel if they knew how deep he was used, how gross he truly was . They would definitely kick him out, a pack is not the place for somebody who can't defend themselves and is as dirty as stiles is. Isn't the place for somebody impure.

As Stiles sits down at the table for lunch on the first day of his junior year, he tries to convince himself that he has it together , tries to convince himself that the mere mention of that teacher didn't make him dizzy and sick . It was just a passing comment he tells himself, Lydia had meant no harm, she didnt even know, he tells himself. He knows that he is being dramatic, knows he deserves everything life throws at him through some way or another. He knows. He knows. He swears he knows. So why is it suddenly so difficult to breath.

***

" Well stiles, do you have anything to say?... No? Well that's a shock." Mr. Stevens sneers in his ears, a harsh sound that makes Stiles sob louder until his chest is heaving with the force of his grief. He is bent over the graffiti covered desk, hyperventilating as Mr.Stevens runs his large hands all over his shaking body as if he owns it. Stiles thinks he might as well.

There's a song playing on the radio that's perched beside stiles' head on the table, somewhere in his swimming mind he recognises the beat, finds himself trying to remember the lyrics in favour of trying to remember how to breathe. This isn't a new occurrence. Mr.Stevens always has the radio playing when he has his way with stiles, stiles isn't sure why, maybe it's to block out his cries and pleas but it could just be there as a distraction for stiles, in hopes that he might sing along to the tune of the song instead of the tune of his pain and despair.

"I don't know why you're crying so much sweetheart, you know you deserve this, if you're going to be cheeky in class you deserve the punishment." This time Mr.Stevens voice is soft and quiet as he rubs circles into the skin of Stiles' wrists in a mock attempt at comfort. Stiles gags, wanting to throw up but there's nothing left in his stomach, he couldn't force down breakfast that morning just thinking about this class. Stiles knew that Mr.Stevens would give him a detention, it doesn't matter that stiles didn't open his mouth or move an inch in the class, he still got detention.

"You're such a slut Stiles, sitting in class practically begging for me to give you detention, couldn't wait for our time together, you can never get enough can you." Stiles definitely didn't agree with his words , he had had enough five seconds after Mr.Stevens had first touched him, five months ago, a month after he had first started high school.

***

Stop, stop, stop. Stiles just wants it to stop, but the words don't come out, all that comes out is stuttered apologies and sobs that he knows won't be heard, that he prays won't be heard.

He couldn't say it then and he couldn't say it now, his thoughts plagued by a relationship of toxic origins and he couldn't even stop them. It was his fault, that was the worst part. Stiles knew he should never have trusted the man so easily when he first walked into that classroom.He should have recognised the signs,should have known better, the sleezy looks, the wandering hands and the hidden meaning to his comments and Stiles did nothing, just stood idly by,made sarcastic remarks and let it build into something much much worse. Let it become a monster, that same monster that he keeps locked up inside himself, in every crack and false smile. He knows it isn't healthy to lock something so traumatic inside himself but he has no other option . Just the thought of what his pack mates would think is enough to keep him quite, plaster a smile on his face and pretend all is well.

"Stiles man, you ok there? You're spacing out again."

Stiles is startled out of his thoughts by a worried looking Scott who's sitting opposite him at the lunch table. Stiles sends him a small smile and nods quietly. Too afraid of any despair that could come through his voice if he were to speak.

"You better finish up quickly, we have to get to class in five minutes. I heard there was some mixup with the schedules so we might have a different class then we applied for, which sucks, but as long as it's not chemistry with Mr.Harris I don't care what it is." Scott rants on but stiles tunes him out in favour of directing his attention toward his lunch.

Stiles looks down in distaste at his plate of fries, completely untouched. Lately just the thought of eating made him feel nauseous, there's a voice niggling at the back of his mind telling him that it's due to him bottling everything inside, that makes his appetite non existent, as if he stuffs himself to the brim with his own feelings and has no room left for food anymore. Stiles pretends that that ache in his stomach is from not eating and not from crippling anxiety. Stiles decides to leave the food. Nobody comments. 

It's a rush after that, Scott excitedly bouncing around the place gushing about all the things he and Allison did over the summer break and how great he knows this year will be . Stiles tries to keep up with him but he can't, he spent the summer weeks isolating himself and trying to cope with his crippling anxiety and low self-esteem. Stiles takes no heed as they walk down the hall together and make their way toward one of the rooms near the end of the school.

It's only when he is standing in the doorway of the classroom, stood in-between Issac and Jackson does stiles knock himself out of his stupor and realise just exactly where he is. He looks around the room in what he hopes is disinterest but knows looks something more akin to horror and desperation, that's what he feels anyways as he glanced around the all too familiar classroom.

The teachers desk is the same he realises, even though he assumed it would have been gotten rid of when they had a huge school renovation over the summer. The desk is the same and Stiles can see himself as he is bent over it, tears streaming down his face as he begs and pleads for anybody to help him, prays to a god he had lost hope in, for help. The desk is the same and Stiles can see all the bits and bobs and stationary perched upon it, stiles swears he could recite every single item with the amount of time he spent staring at them.The desk is the same and stiles swears he can see the dents his fingernails left, worn deeper and deeper each time he visited this same room, with the same desk. 

The desk is the same and Stiles feels his head spin, he doesn't even need to see him, doesn't need to stand in the presence of the man who ruined him, because the desk is the same and Stiles can feel him, can feel him in the way he thinks and walks and looks, can feel him in the way he can't breathe. 

His palms feel clammy where he grabs onto Jacksons bare forearm to keep balance. There would be no possible way that the werewolves in the room wouldn't be smelling every single emotion off of stiles right now, but a week after Scott was turned stiles had gone on a search for something to block his scent, he found such a thing in an ancient necklace that he wears at all times. Stiles can't have anybody smelling his emotions freely, they would know how filthy he was then and he couldn't let that happen.

Stiles tries to convince himself that the dizziness is because he hasn't eaten properly in weeks but he knows it's not the reason. He buries himself in lies so he doesn't have to deal with the truth, pretends all his problems are his own fault because he can't deal with being the victim. Can't deal with not being in control. 

That's his last thought before stiles' body gives out and he faints, collapsing into Jackson's strong arms just as the door of the classroom swing open.

"Good afternoon lads , stiles, haven't had the pleasure in a while."

*********  
When stiles came through he was lying on the cold hard bed in the schools nurses office. Of course it was Stiles' luck to land himself in the office on his first day back at school, he didn't expect anything better for himself though, it was typical for him to cause trouble, for himself and for everyone else. 

Stiles just wishes that he were somewhere else right now, he didn't care where, at home or six feet under. Anything would be better than his current situation, stiles knew what would happen next , he would become a toy for Mr.Stevens again and there would be nothing he could do about it, he owed the man and it was this whole thing was his fault after all. Stiles was the one who asked for it so hes the one that has to deal with it .

Stiles is brought out of his inner despair when the door of the office swings open and to his surprise, Derek walks through. A deep scowl set on his usually calm nuetral face. Stiles can't help but feel a little nervous at that look, Derek very rarely showed emotions, and Derek also rarely put any effort into a relationship of any kind with stiles. It was just how it was, Derek had a whole pack of powerful supernaturals to bond with and look after, he didn't have any care or time for a weak used up human like stiles. 

"Your dad's holed up at work and im your emergency contact. Grab your stuff and I'll drive you home." Derek grunts as he motions towards Stiles schoolbag that's thrown carelessly in the corner of the room. Derek already turning out the door.

Stiles nods his head quickly and jumps up , embarrassed that Derek had to take time off of his day to come pick stiles up. God how selfish could stiles be, Derek already had so much to do and worry about without stiles getting in the way and adding to that. Stiles ignores his pounding head as he grabs his stuff and stiffly follows Derek out of the room, head hung low in utter shame.

Derek and stiles sit quietly in the car, neither wanting to break the silence. Derek because he's unsure of what to say and stiles because he believes that any words he speaks will only be unimportant and annoying. Stiles can only hope that Derek doesn't question him on why he fainted. Stiles doesn't even know himself how he would answer that , not sure whether he fainted due to his fear or because he hadn't eaten properly in weeks and was practically starving himself. Stiles hopes that, just like Derek, the rest of the pack decide to ignore this certain event and don't question him on what happened. Stiles isn't one to wish or hope for things but he's desperate for this to go in his favour, he can't have his secret getting out, he'd rather die than let that happen.

Derek throws stiles an awkward wave when he's dropped him off at his house. The scowl is still present on his face so the wave only proves to unsettle stiles more and make him even more self conscious and uneasy, maybe that's what Derek is going for, maybe he's trying to make stiles uncomfortable so he'll leave him and the pack alone. Stiles' stomach sinks at the thought as he slowly unlocks the front door and dumps his stuff at the stairs. Stiles knows he doesn't deserve to be in the pack but he can't imagine his life without them, can't imagine living without them. 

The pain behind his eyes doesn't go away, even as stiles downs a pint of water and two pain killers. Stiles knows that logically he should lie down and sleep, he did just faint after all, but he can't find it in himself to try to beat his insomnia right now so instead he goes up to his bedroom and opens up Spotify. Stiles needs something to distract himself from the war going on in his mind, needs something to distract himself from the fear that's beginning to resurface at an alarmingly fast pace but most importantly he needs something to distract himself from his own thoughts. 

Stiles always has to be careful when it comes to music, a random song he doesn't even think he knows can send him into a severe panic attack, as he gets a flashback to Mr.Stevens classroom and that stupid radio, bent over the desk with the beat thrumming in his head. Stiles writes down every song he comes across that sends him into that spiral, adds the artist singing the song to his 'banned' list and stops listening to that genre of music. Stiles used to think the radio was for his own benefit, now he knows it was just another way for Mr.Stevens to torture him. He knows this because the songs are never related, there is never any hidden meaning and they are never of the same genre. They were simply meant to cause him further distress and pain in the future. Stiles thinks he never gave Mr.Stevens enough credit and now he's left with a list of songs he can't listen to.

**Author's Note:**

> This first installment is heavily inspired by another one of my fics (a kpop fic) but it will not follow the same storyline as that series nor will the next installments be similar. I just needed some inspiration to start this series.


End file.
